It's been a while...

...Dear Diary,

It's been a long time since my last entry.  I had good reasons though -- I've been busy, not to mention, conflicted.  You see, this whole blog was conceived on the notion that I can't run.  But the truth is, I CAN RUN.  The sports doctor even told me so.  She recommended it.  She insisted upon it.  So now I'm doing it.  And she was right!  So now my story ends victorious!  Only my journey has only just begun.

I can run, but I can't run more than 3 miles, ever.   I can't really run more than twice a week.  My dreams of running the Princess, Tinkerbell or Wine and Dine Disney half marathons are over.  All my bucket list race dreams are dashed.  So a runner I will never be.   And when I DO run, or do the elliptical, or even spin sometimes, I feel tingling up and down my legs.  Sometimes, later that day or even the next day, I will feel pain in my shins.  Because no matter how much physical therapy or stretching or massage the doctor prescribes, my exercise induced bilateral compartment syndrome will never GO AWAY.  But I still imagine that I'm running up those steps in the Rocky movie - theme song blazing and all - every time I complete a run on that damned, ridiculous treadmill.  Honestly, running these days is a luxury I cannot afford to do every day like I used to - 4 plus miles at a time.  As per the doc, I can run, but running must be limited.  It's highly unlikely I will make my chronic condition an acute one, but if I push myself in that way, I can certainly make my condition much, much worse.

I've learned a lot since my last entry though, dear diary.  I've learned that to be a good runner, you need to start with a really good pair of sneakers (and not those damned Nike Frees which are universally considered shite as far as running shoes are concerned by the running and fitness community at large.)  I've also learned that physical fitness goes A LOT further than running or cardio alone and ANY good personal trainer will tell you as much -- just ask me! (wink, wink.)  Now I spend a lot more time lifting heavy things.  I'm in much better shape than ever before because of that very lesson.  I learn new things every day as a trainer and I credit my much younger, multi-talented co-workers for forcing me to open my eyes and see what excellent personal training is all about.

I've become certified to teach Group Core, which is a 30 minute class in which you train like an athlete in a class setting.  I've decided I want to obtain another Specialty Certification from American Council on Exercise (to be revealed in a later blog entry) and I've completed a first level specialty in kettlebells, which is extremely cool because a) I specialize in something and b) kettlebell training is insanely popular right now so for once I am in on an exciting trend and not a day late and a dollar short!  But most of all, having a specialty in kettlebells enables me to change the name of my blog to...(drum roll please!) Kettlebells and Caffeine (both hugely fitting for my life, especially now since, as I mentioned earlier, I can, in fact run, making my original blog name obsolete.)  Tomorrow, dear diary, I will see if I can also CrossFit.  I will be venturing into my very first class and, if we're being candid here, I fear for my life!

Eye of the Tiger, baby.  Eye of the Tiger. 

A letter to my compartment syndrome riddled legs

Dearest legs,

 

I thought we had an understanding.  A meeting of the so-called minds.  A settlement, if you will. 

 I, the runner, the one who dared to dream in middle age, would stop the constant pounding upon your fragile, little stumps.   I would discontinue my journey into runner-dom and quit terrorizing you daily despite every effort to fully learn and understand correct running form and distance and endurance training.

You, the 'injured party,' would take this cessation as a complete surrender on your part and quit your aching.  Quit waking me at four am.  Refrain from paining me during or immediately following my workouts.  I would change my entire lifestyle to accommodate you.  And I did. 

I, the middle aged dreaming runner stopped all running.  And it was difficult.  As any runner can surely tell you, running is addictive.  While a love/hate relationship has no doubt been developed between athlete and sport, the need to move always prevailed.  And discontinuing was, to me, much like trying to quit caffeine.  Or smoking.  Or I imagine it would be like quitting Facebook or Twitter.  Doable, but enormously uncomfortable, for lack of a better word.  I developed a relationship with the less impacting elliptical trainer.  I had an ongoing affair with spinning.  I crush on them both, but alas, that obsession like the one I had with running had not yet developed.  Until lately.  And that's when you rear your ugly head again.

Cut to me, a personal trainer.  I now truly know the importance of cross training and rest days and have passionately become engrossed in both spinning and elliptical training (or any kind of cardio so long as it's kind to my compartment syndrome riddled stumps.)  Up until now said stumps and cardio have been co-existing harmoniously.  What has changed?  I ask you, WHAT IN GODS NAME HAS CHANGED?!?!

Lately there seems to be some sort of miscommunication.  A disruption in our harmonious affair.  Suddenly I ache during workouts.  I throb after workouts.  I twinge during random times when I should be sleeping.  And in the middle of the night I wake up wondering, what did I do wrong?  How can I make it better?  Because as a new personal trainer in the best shape of her life, surgery is not an option.  Not yet, anyway.  Especially while exercise is the most important part of my brand new career.  

You win, my little flat footed stumps.  Tell me how to appease you and I shall obey. (It's not exactly as if I can send you roses or chocolate or naughty lingere!) No cardio for a couple of days?  Done!  Cold compresses?  Pain medications?  Doctor prescribed massages?  Done and done and done!  I will do anything so long as an elective surgery is not the only option.  But when your career depends on it, is it really considered 'elective?' 

 

And can it at least wait until next year's medical benefits kick in? 

How My Coffee Almost Killed Me.

One week ago today, I was on my way to the gym -- just like usual.  I had back to back clients, and in my mind, I was going over their workouts for the morning.  I had my own workout I was contemplating.  I had a rough night of sleep and was still a little groggy despite already having had some coffee.  One week ago today, I was rolling over in my mind how two doctors could have vastly differing opinions when it came to my foot health: one said my chronic compartment syndrome may have become acute -- a very dangerous condition; the other said, "infection from a bug bite," and sent me on my way for some drugs.  One week ago today I was annoyed that I would be missing The Color Run due to aforementioned compartment syndrome.  One week ago today I was looking forward to the Cape Cod vacation that was going to commence the following day.   One week ago today I stopped at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru, just as I always do, to give me that extra little something I usually require after a bad night of sleep.

One week ago today, my large iced hazelnut - extra light with skim - (a personal favorite!) tipped over on me from my cup holder as I went around a turn I always take on the way to the gym - before I ever even had a sip! - and in an effort to steady said coffee before it spilled all over me and the front of my car, I lost control of the vehicle and smashed it into a telephone pole, moving that pole by about an inch.

One week ago today my life was spared.

After smashing my car into that pole, a stupid, stupid move on my part, I stepped out of my car, called my husband, and called 9-1-1.  The very fact that I was able to step out of my car on my own was a miracle.  The fact that I was completely unharmed with the exception of a seat belt injury is practically unfathomable.  I thank God for this every day since.  More, I thank God that my daughter wasn't with me.  Or my husband.  And I thank God that my carelessness didn't end up veering in the other direction, killing or injuring an innocent passerby.

So much media attention today is spent slapping the wrists of those drivers reckless enough to text while driving.  (I have always been terrified of so much as SNEEZING while driving my car, but will admit that while stopped in traffic even I have picked up my phone to see who was texting me.)  NEVER AGAIN.  Never again will I munch on my post-workout snack from behind the wheel, no matter how hungry I may be.  Never again will I futz with my GPS when it's being annoying. Never again will I continue an argument with my precious child.  NOT FROM BEHIND THE WHEEL OF MY MOVING CAR.

One week ago today "just to be sure," I was put in a neck brace, strapped to a backboard, and placed into an ambulance so that I can be taken to the hospital for x-rays.  Scary stuff, my friends.  There, I was informed that eating and drinking while driving causes more accidents than cell phones do.  I will go a step further and say that getting behind the wheel while still wiping sand from my eyes probably wasn't my smartest move ever either.  But all in the name of exercise, right?!

I am all for early morning workouts.  I am not a religious person, or a preachy person, but I fully understand how lucky I am and for that I will always be grateful.  You've heard it before: never take each day for granted as it might be your last.  Yet somehow we all manage to do it.  I believe living a healthy lifestyle is vital to an enjoyable life.  But you need to have a life to enjoy, first.

So I beg of you: live your life.  Do what you need to do every day to try to make your life an enjoyable one.  But remember that you do not get forever on this journey.  And make each journey a CAREFUL one. 

 

The REAL dog days.

According to Wikipedia, "The Romans referred to the dog days as diēs caniculārēs and associated the hot weather with the star Sirius. They considered Sirius to be the "Dog Star" because it is the brightest star in the constellation Canis Major (Large Dog)."

For me, the real 'dog days' of summer are those days at the end of the season when camp is over for my daughter and school has yet to be begin.  I always jokingly refer to these days as 'camp mommy,' but in truth, there's nothing fun about these days for either mother or daughter.  The type A moms may scoff at me but it's true -- it's very difficult to keep my daughter entertained, especially when she's got several different diagnoseses that make her 'different' from other kids.  And I'm not going to lie: typical 'camp mommy' activities like going to a theme park (or any park or pool for that matter) suddenly become that much more difficult.  And mommy gets her sanity from the GYM.  And gym classes.   Mommy cannot be at the gym getting her sanity on and simultaneously entertaining mini-me.

Don't get me wrong: it's not like I haven't tried.  Some kids do well in gym babysitting, just not mine.  Social 'disabilities' such as Aspergers Syndrome make it very hard for my child to function in gym babysitting on a crowded day.  When mommy just wants to take that 30 minutes of spin class or do 'just five more crunches,' in the back of my mind I'm waiting for that page: "Attention, staff...there's a situation in babysitting...can the mother of the child-to-blame please come to babysitting?"  And I have to put my daughter in babysitting during those daytime hours when I have clients scheduled - there's NO getting around the fact that clients come first.  So any additional time I get at the gym is like a gift from the summertime gods.

Oh, Dog Days.

So what's a mom to do?  Besides grovel at the feet of my adoring husband who graciously allows me to bolt out the door like a guilty person frees a prison the moment he arrives home no matter how miserable the work day, I mean?  What any woman would do for sanity's sake: shop, of course!  And yes, I've purchased shoes, and costume jewelery too, but here's what I'm super giddy about: MY NEW TOYS!  "Which new toys," you may ask?

Unfortunately for my said adoring husband, time at home allows me to catch up on TV time, which gives me nothing but "ideas."  But hey, they're "Healthy ideas from which the entire family can benefit," so the purchases are for the 'greater good,' right?  And far more practical (if not less adorable) than my new wedge sneakers from Steve Madden.  But I loooove my new toys.  SWOON.  Reviews soon to follow.  And soon my daughter will know the summer joys of making mango chips as opposed to baking cookies on a hot summer camp mommy day. 

WOOF.

I Don't Run And Now I Don't Sleep.

It might seem like being a personal trainer is a great gig.  A no-brainer for fitness nuts.  Step 1: Learn Exercise.  Step 2: Teach Exercise.  Step 3: Make money doing something fun that you love.  Not so fast there, Chief.

Let's not even get into the whole certification process, as that's an entirely separate stressor.  Getting certified is a lot of studying and a lot of excruciating, hard work.  And if it's been...wow...almost 20 years since you've studied for a test and you've already got a part time job and a kid with special needs, well...best of luck to ya, kid. 

No, I don't sleep because now I have a whole new level of stress to concern myself with: I now have the responsibility of other people's health and wellness to think about every time I meet with a client.  Clients put their trust in me and I take this responsibility very seriously.  If you don't think that's enough to keep this perfectionist up at night, you don't know this perfectionist very well.  

It's not enough to have a stable full of workouts that I can use on each client.  Every client has different goals, different abilities and different needs.  Each client is an individual with their unique set of circumstances and dreams.  So each workout needs to be customized to fit their objectives without causing any injury.  When you can't find me at the gym, after I've accomplished everything else I need to for the day (and sometimes when I have not,) you will find me planning each workout for each client in advance.  This girl ain't winging it.  Not by a long shot.

Then there's the whole aspect of obtaining clients, an aspect of personal training that I was far less prepared for after obtaining my certification.  Because in order to be certified by the American Council on Exercise you need to know how to assess a client, you need to know the many aspects of training a client, you need to know exercise science, nutrition, emergency procedures, special populations, CPR - to name a few! - but the certification process puts very little weight in being a salesperson.  That is something you need to learn more or less on your own.  And if you love people, and you love exercise, and you want to make a living doing what you love, you better learn fast.  Because there are lots of other trainers who would be more than happy to work with all the people with whom you'd like to work.  And they've been selling themselves for a lot longer.  So get with the program, or get lost in the shuffle.  But don't be too aggressive.  Be just aggressive enough.  Whatever that means.  I just want to build confidence and build muscles.  That's why I got into this in the first place: to bring to other people the joy that fitness brings to me. 

But now I toss and turn.  Far more than I ever did when I was studying.  I dream about my clients.  I dream about working with NEW clients.  I dream about avocados.  (Thanks, Subway commercials.)  And this is if I ever achieve REM state at all.   Then, when the alarm clock goes off, I heavily caffeinate so that I have the energy to demonstrate to my new clients all the exciting exercise programs that I have developed just for them.  I am enthusiastic.  I am a cheerleader.  I am a teacher too.  But a tired one. 

It's so worth it.

I would rather be sleep deprived and know that I am providing to my clients everything that they pay me for: customized workouts delivered with passion and vigor, created specifically with their needs in mind than be well rested while phoning-it-in, taking a chance with their health and well being and duping them each into thinking I can help them reach goals in which I really have no interest.  So what if I'm ready to crash by 8:30 PM on a Sunday night?

Isn't that why the coffee bean was created?  So much for switching to decaf. 

Piss off, I'm exercising.

Personal training is hard.  Don't get me wrong; it's insanely rewarding as well, but it's still hard.  It's a beautiful thing to be able to inspire another person and to help them reach their goals.  To build a warm, caring relationship with a stranger.  To form a bond as a teacher, a cheerleader and a coach.  It makes me smile to walk past a client at the gym and see that client practicing what we worked on just days before -- working hard towards a goal that I know means the world to them.  Recalling the memory of that same client tearfully telling me about the day they decided that they would not be overweight anymore.  It's a life change for me, and I couldn't be more proud.

But then there's the much less talked about side of personal training.  The underbelly.  The 'Client-Getting' side.  They call it "Prospecting."  And this, dear readers, while I have always known was part-of-the-deal, is the side of personal training that I find particularly difficult, no matter how poised or outgoing I may appear to be on the outside.

It is, for most people, not easy to just approach a stranger and casually start a conversation.  Making it harder is that while at the gym, 97.999% of the members have ear buds in the entire time -- a universal sign for, "Piss off, I'm exercising, I do not want to talk."  Plus, let's face it: gym members are onto me.  They can see me coming with my gym shirt and my clip board a mile away.  They know what I'm up to and they're not buying.  Unless I'm giving something away for free.  People always go for free.  But the smart ones know that free usually comes with a catch.  So I've ditched the clipboard in the hopes that the gym shirt alone says, "Talk to me, I work here," while at the same time casually saying, "I'm here to help, and I'm also here to chat and be a pal.  But I JUST MIGHT pitch you on the idea of a free assessment and personal training session."  Dangling the worm in the hopes that you'll bite.

Ugh.

Thank God I'm not a salesperson, really.  I have no idea how much my services go for, what kind of packages are available and in truth, I honestly do NOT want to know.  I just want to help people.  To make a difference through fitness and exercise.  I put a lot of thought into the workouts I plan for clients and I want them to succeed without the smarmy, icky details like how much I'm going to get paid.  But I do have to get paid, so I do have to keep prospecting.  And I have to keep prospecting a LOT, because after one month at my new job as muscle creator, I only have two clients.

So off to the gym I go.  I smile.  I say good morning.  I introduce myself to all who will dare remove their headphones and grant me a minute of their time.  I try to remember every one's names -- no easy feat when you're old like me and your memory stinks and you're nervous enough about talking to strangers, let alone averaging a mere five hours of sleep while running a house, being a wife and trying to mother a special needs child!  If you can see the panic in my eyes like a deer caught in the headlights try not to laugh too hard. The truth of the matter is that so far, I've met some lovely co-workers I consider myself lucky to know and some of whom inspire me to be a better trainer and mentor than I ever thought possible. I truly love all my clients - BOTH OF THEM! - so I will continue to persevere and wage the war against grumpy gym rats and let the exercising population at large beware: I am here to interrupt your workout, but I promise, I will make it worth your while.  

What the heck is Compartment Syndrome, anyway???

"Is this something I could have done to myself?" I texted Dr. V., although I already fully knew the answer.
     "Yes," was the simple reply I received back.  I shook my head.  I didn't want to hear it 'officially,' but there I had it - right there on my iPhone.  My doc also texted me that the condition I had, bilateral anterior exertional compartment syndrome, was really rare.  This wasn't the first I had heard of a rare injury on my part.  I had also previously so severely sprained the peroneal ankle ligaments in my left leg - the likes of which she had never seen.  These rarities did not make me feel any better.  And thinking back upon how I might have done this to myself wasn't cheering me any.  Was it the training for the hilly 10K I for which I was registered?  Was it the new minimalist sneakers I was sporting?  A combination thereof?  All of these questions would remain unanswered.  Dreams of Princess Halfs and other bucket list races dashed for good.

But what the heck is Compartment Syndrome anyway?  (Besides dasher of dreams, I mean.)  As per WebMD.com:

Compartment syndrome occurs when excessive pressure builds up inside an enclosed space in the body. Compartment syndrome usually results from bleeding or swelling after an injury. The dangerously high pressure in compartment syndrome impedes the flow of blood to and from the affected tissues. It can be an emergency, requiring surgery to prevent permanent injury.

Groups of organs or muscles are organized into areas called compartments. Strong webs of connective tissue called fascia form the walls of these compartments.
After an injury, blood or edema (fluid resulting from inflammation or injury) may accumulate in the compartment. The tough walls of fascia cannot easily expand, and compartment pressure rises, preventing adequate blood flow to tissues inside the compartment. Severe tissue damage can result, with loss of body function or even death.
The legs, arms, and abdomen are most prone to developing compartment syndrome.

MayoClinic.com continues with the following:

Taking a complete break from exercise or performing only low-impact activity may relieve your symptoms, but usually only temporarily. Once you take up running again, for instance, those familiar symptoms usually come back.

If you experience unusual pain, swelling, weakness, loss of sensation, or soreness related to exercise or sports activities, talk to your doctor immediately, because these symptoms may be associated with conditions that require emergency medical treatment. Don't try to exercise through the pain, as that may lead to permanent muscle or nerve damage — and jeopardize continued participation in your favorite sports.

Sometimes chronic exertional compartment syndrome is mistaken for shin splints, a more common cause of leg pain in young people who do lots of vigorous weight-bearing activity, such as running. If you think you have shin splints but they don't get better with self-care, talk to your doctor.

Well, I had certainly been diagnosed with shin splints too.  And wore a cast for a month due to my severe sprains.  And a boot for two weeks after that.  But I would also be remiss if I neglected to mention the cold laser therapy I tried, or the kenesio tape, or the physical therapy.  As per Doctor V. it can be very difficult to diagnose compartment syndrome, and from what I've read, it can sometimes take up to a year. Therefore, I should be grateful I got the diagnosis within eight rocking months.  And let's not get into the testing for this lovely ailment - that's a whole new post entirely for another day.

So what the heck is compartment syndrome?  It is a game changer, of that I am certain.  But choosing to see the positive, I can honestly say that while my running dreams may have crossed their final finish line, I have started a new chapter in which I have not only achieved my fitness goals but I have a career helping others do the same. 

Not a completely horrible trade off, if I do say so myself.